This Diva Needs Her Stage

stressed out.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 02:53:57 GMT

i hate money. i really really do.

i am so stressed with work and never having enough to pay all of my bills. i feel like i will live the rest of my life in ever-increasing debt.

and i'm trying to be good. i get up every morning between 4:30-5:15 and head off to work at an office, where i work from 6am-2:30pm, then i run to p's house to see him and maybe grab food and answer work emails. then i leave for my other job at 4:30. and work 4:30-9:30pm. i am so stressed and i just need a minute to myself, to relax and focus, but i don't have my own space.

my car is dying.

i am trying to ignore this fact, but its getting harder and harder to do that.

i am so frustrated, because i would like to share my stress and fear, absolute fear, with someone, but i have no one. i feel uncomfortable burdening my friends with it, and p. could never understand. he just tries to commiserate- like his life is so tough. depression is tough, i understand, i am bipolar, we're in the same boat. but he doesn't have to worry about not having a place to stay or a car or... okay, i'm freaking myself out.

its just... i never realized that i have no one. when my mom kicked me out, i was so scared. and lyn said i could stay with her for a bit, but i knew it would be such an inconvienence. my father let me stay one night and then my stepmother kicked me out a 7:30 am. i have nowhere to go, no one to turn to but myself for the first time in my life. and i swear, i really am trying to get it together, but i just don't have enough hours in the day to make the money that i need.

and he could never understand that. he has the best family in the world and they'd never let him crash. he worries about letting people down and i worry about where i'm going to sleep.

and i love him. i do. its just... he's older than me, but so much... younger? i don't know. less world-weary, perhaps? its not that he's immature, he's amazing, its just he can't relate and it makes me miss miles so much.

miles had that way of making all my problems seem so... solvable. which is such a wonderful quality. he would brainstorm and help and just make me feel so much less worthless.

p. says that i always know what to say to make him feel better, and maybe thats true. i just wish someone could do that for me.

home again, home again

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 20:47:52 GMT

so i just got back from a wonderful week in connecticut.

and i realized that i really miss it. i miss connecticut itself, i miss my friends and i miss my family.

so i said, "screw it. i'm moving back!"

but then i remembered some important details: i have no money, no job, nowhere to live...

so i was very disappointed.
but then my dad called.
my dad has always been an absentee father.
but he has like a sixth sense where i am concerned.
he knew when i got a tattoo, he just sensed it.
and he called me today and said that he was worried about me,
and i told him that i want to move back east,
and he said that i can stay with him for a few days,
and then i can stay at the apartment in my stepmoms g-parents house for a little bit.
so i'm moving back in like 3 weeks,
and i'll look for a job and an apartment and everything.

i'm just relieved to get out of ohio
and back to new england.
and back to my wonderful friends.
and the familar.

love, love me do

Sun, 27 May 2007 06:46:53 GMT

i think that i need to be enough for me.

by that i mean: i think i need to be single.
and maybe just have guys as friends or lovers.
but no more boyfriends.

i would still like a child someday.
and i think i could care for him/her on my own.

men are trouble.

every guy i have ever dated has told me he loves me.
which is bullshit.
but i believe it because i'm dumb
and because, well, who doesn't want to believe that?

but maybe...
maybe i don't believe in love.
i really don't know anymore.

all i know is, my heart can't handle much more.
i can't keep gluing it back together.

so i'm done.
no more disappointments.
no more lies.

just friendship.

all mixed up

Sun, 27 May 2007 01:30:31 GMT

so i'm back from connecticut. things there were okay... i dont know. i really missed my friends and i'm really glad that i got to see them, but my parents were annoying. and by annoying, i mean that they treated me like a 12 year old, and then kicked me out when they saw my tattoos. opps.

whatever.

as for connecticut boy... i saw him. we had sex. opps again.

so of course that messed me up. i know its dumb, but because of stuff that happened when i was a kid, i have an unfortunate habit of confusing sex with love. i.e when people want to have sex with me, i think they must love me.

which is, of course, very untrue.

then i get back to ohio and ohio boy (not to be confused with miles) tells me that he can't stop thinking about me, and he wants us to start hanging out again. aka have sex. argh!

it seems like all the guys in my life want me for sex but don't care enough about me to get to know me. when i care about someone i want to know them. like, i want to meet their family, hear about their past, etc. why don't people want me? ohio boy is a real sweetheart, and he can't stop telling me how much he cares about me, but i just can't believe him.

oh well.
i'll grow up someday.
and someday my prince will come.
HA.

i've always been a hopeless romantic, but i'm being cured. i think that most people see love in a different way. oh i'm just being maudlin now, enough of that!

sorry for this annoying and self-indulgent post, guys.

xo
kat

i'm tired of lying

Mon, 14 May 2007 18:10:24 GMT

so i broke up with miles.
i just think we're not in love,
i think we can both do better.

for the past 2 years i thought i was in love with a connecticut boy.
and sometimes i even thought he might love me, too.

but that dumb.
he is the most self-centered person i have ever met.

i just got out of the hospital yesterday.
i had a lot of time for introspection.

and i realized:
i need to live my life for me.
and stop worrying about all the rest.

i think i'm moving back to CT
i think its a good option for me.
i miss my friends.

i just hope that i have the strength to stay away
from that dumb lil connecticut boy.
i've tried in the past and as per usual

i failed.

its been a long while

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 02:32:20 GMT

^ i wish i looked like a cute little doll, like lily cole.

i haven't updated in forever, i know. i've been busy, looking for a job then on vaca in disney world. (which was fun, btw) anyway, i've been updating my xanga almost every day, but i'm so bad at updating livejournal. sorry, loves.

i feel so fat. like a freakin whale. no joke. i'm at my highest weight ever- 108lbs. ~~god, how did i let this happen?~~ i'll tell ya how- i forgot myself. i forgot what it was like to be focused on a goal, on always losing weight. and i gained. i was at 95 before. hopefully i can get lower than that. i ~~need~~ to get lower than that. my current goal is 95lbs. we'll see. miles and i have decided that we'll start going to the gym twice a week. plus we have a treadmill. add that to my veganism, and the rigorous diet i'll be starting tomorrow... well, i think i just might get back on track.

i am a total control freak. i'm like, so bad. and when i don't have a plan, when i don't feel completely in control i'm like a little ship, adrift in a storm. so i'm taking back control. i'm going to go do some cleaning, i'm going to buy office supplies tomorrow and i'll set myself up a desk. i'm starting school june 18th... i can't wait. i'm taking 3 trimesters over the summer, so like 12 classes. its an uber-rigorous schedule, but it will help put me back on track- soon i'll be ready to graduate!!

life: i've got you right where i want you

~~more later~~

f a l l i n g a p a r t . . .

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 06:23:21 GMT

i'm slowly falling apart and i don't think anyone notices. slowly steadily slipping silently

to sleep, perchance to dream

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 05:09:51 GMT

i've been sleeping soo much lately & when i wake up i'm still wicked tired. so i went to my doctor and he wants me to go to a sleep study. i made the appointment a month ago, and my day is tomorrow. i go sleep at the office/sleepstudy place tomorrow night, i have to get there at 9pm and then i'm there all night until 5pm the next day. i'll be so bored and lonely and electrode-covered. no fun. i'll have my sidekick, so i can text and talk and do a bit of IM'ing, but i am still nervous. i bought some new books to read, so that will hopefully help. and i'm allowed to have visitors on wednesday, and miles said he would try to leave work early to come see me. i'm just being a silly little girl about this, i know. but i am a little nervous. oh well.

xoxo

kat

sad face

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 00:32:20 GMT

my dog died.

been a long time

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:39:10 GMT

ok i haven't updated in for-freakin-ever. i dont really know what to say. i still live in cincy with miles & my lovely kitten absinthe. actually, abby's 1st birthday was yesterday.

i've been really confused lately, about everything. i don't really want to write about it all here, because its personal. but if you want to know, ask.

i have a new journal, one thats just for me. i've made some friends with it, friends who don't know me, ones who understand what i'm going through. not that you guys don't, i'm just really bad at opening up. its not that i don't want to share, its just hard for me to initiate.

also, to everyone that i'm friends with but don't really talk to- I MISS YOU!! :) i am just really really really bad at calling people. i get all anxious on the phone the first time, but after that i'm cool. so feel free to call me and know that if i sound awkward... its because i am. but keep calling, because i do value our friendship.

alright, well thats really all i've got for now. feel free to post questions, or IM me, or call me.

.the end.

all ya need is love

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:49:05 GMT

nothing much to update about, i work most days, which is fine with me. miles has been getting more and more busy because the campaign is winding down. oh, i got a car! its an old honda thats falling apart but it drives and has a cd player- what more could i ask for?!

life is good. really, really good.

i am saving up for a new camera. i want the canon rebel. it is absolutely awesome.

i am thinking... that maybe... i might want to do something else when i grow up. i mean, not edit books. i think i might want to be a photo-journalist.

anyway, thats all i've got right now, and miles is on his way home with gyros and frozen blueberries. yumm.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 22:14:32 GMT

still lovin' life.

my job is going well and my personal life is grand.

i should be getting a car soon. i was supposed to get a car tomorrow, but alas that has been pushed back a bit. i'm getting my hair cut on friday, which is always fun. what else...hmm... not much going on.

alright well i guess this was a quick update. i'm off to read til miles comes home.

day off tomorrooooww! :)

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 17:43:33 GMT

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

no, seriously. miles and i are all better now, getting along wonderfully and being very lovey. our apartment, while it is currently a bit of a mess, is totally fab. maybe this is just my new depression meds talking, but life is good.

oh, and i can swallow pills now! go me!

ok well today is my day off and i am not spendin' it writing on my silly livejournal. i'm outt.

rawr.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 03:06:56 GMT

i still love my job, even though i've worked almost everyday this week, including friday, saturday and sunday. i did my first shoot completly on my own today, which was fun and exciting.

my personal life has been crap, however. miles and i have been fighting. actually, i have been fighting with miles. i feel so alone and isolated here. he doesn't understand what i am going through. he can't see things my way and when i remind him of how depressed and horrid i feel, he is sweet and understanding.. for about 3 hours. and then he is back to his usual self. which i love. i really do. i just... i'm dying. i'm dying in small, slow, and apparently melodramatic bits.

and i want to die.

i feel... tired. alone. depressed. burnt-out. helpless.

HELP!

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 21:02:42 GMT

I LOVE MY JOB!

i'm being trained now to be a photographer, and by next week i'll be doing shoots on my own! :)

i never mind going into work with this job, even when its early. its nice having a job that i like.

other things in cincy are going well. i just got a new bed and miles and i are looking for a new car. (our old one died). we are also thinking about going on a cruise in november, which should be fun. my fam is coming to visit soon. joy. we need to clean this apartment totally before that happens!

ok well i am off to shower and then watch some l&o

xoxo

takin' pictures is makin' memories. takin' little pieces of time, makin' them yours, makin them mine

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 00:44:57 GMT

i got a job last week!

i am a photographer for 'picture people' in the mall.
i am still getting trained, but its actually pretty fun so far.

the kids are soo cute, i just wanna eat them. ;)

i am learning to make balloon animals as part of my training. haha

tomorrow should be fun. i have work until 2, then therapy, then miles and i are going to see 'clerks II.' i am excited. then we are gonna grab dinner and run home to see 'psych.' which, if you haven't seen it, is very funny. you should watch.

*thats all i've got right now, kids.*

honestly, i'm a little suprised...

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 05:28:40 GMT

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

good day :)

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 03:01:54 GMT

good day today.

great, in fact.
i like simple days and today was that.

miles and i went apartment hunting. we'd made several appointments to meet with landlords and the apartments were pretty cool. some were total junk, but one was awesome. we decided not to get it because its not in the area we want to live in, but i was wicked awesome. it was in a refurbished warehouse and it had exposed beams and pipes and gorgeous lofted rooms and huge windows.

we also found a house that has 3 apartments in it and i really liked it. its expensive, so we are thinking about it, but its pretty neat. tomorrow miles and i are going back with his parents to check it out, and we are also meeting another landlord to see 4 apartmentos.

then miles and i went grocery shopping, had some pizza, and watched freaks and geeks. good times.

oh, and i'll be in CT for july 4th. the whole gang is gettin' together. should be fun.

thats all for now. <3

i have to use music to express my feelings. sad? yes.

Wed, 24 May 2006 19:56:40 GMT

You'll say "don't fear your dreams"
It's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl?
they dont know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea.
but he washed me shore and he took my pearl -
and left an empty shell of me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

O darling, its so sweet,
you think you know how crazy
-how crazy I am
You say you dont spook easy,
you wont go, but I know
and I pray that you will
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?

"shacking up"

Wed, 10 May 2006 21:46:34 GMT

so i am moving to cincinnati for good.

like, i am going to school here and staying here until miles and i decide to move elsewhere.

it was my mothers idea that i should stay, and she said that she would help pay. as long as i am not living with miles. so i said that miles an i would get a two bedroom apartment and live there. she said that she wouldn't condone my "shacking up" and wouldn't pay then.

my therapist told me that i am in an addictive relationship with my mother. she keeps hurting me and i keep going back for more. but when we got off the phone- it ended by her saying "fine, yeah." and hanging up, i was ready to be free of her. i am (almost) 21. i can live on my own. i've been planning this since i was a child. i thought i'd be gone by 18 and was literally counting the days. i feel like a huge weight has lifted from me. i'm free from this. no more unhealthy stress. no more hyperventilating when she calls. free.

free.

and it feels wonderful.

i can't wait until miles gets out of work so i can celebrate!!

still in connecticut... but my heart is in ohio

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 01:33:17 GMT

i'm in CT. i went to nyc for theta chi's formal, which was fun. i'm going back to wagner tomorrow; my formal is on friday.

i miss miles&abby soo much.

my mother dropped a bit of a bomb on me- she'll let me go to school in cincinnati if i wish. i don't know how i feel about this. i mean, i love wagner. i have a wonderful sorority there, lots of friends, it's in nyc... what could be better?

living with my loves.

oh dear. i just don't know. i hate making decisions. i'm no good at it.

alright, well i am off to read for a while the talk to mils.

i'm sure i'll write more once i'm back in cincy.

xoxo

yuppy

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 02:39:28 GMT

still in ohio.
i'm off to ct/nyc for ten days starting wednesday.
also, i'll be home for the summer. rejoice.

i'm going to miss cincinnati.
well, i'll miss miles.
this past week has been amazing.
i realized that i've been a total idiot.

because of certain things that happened to me young, i always like to have an escape route. i purposely hurt miles and kept him at arms length because i knew deep down he was the perfect guy. not just the perfect guy for me, no, he's "the perfect guy." the man, the myth, the legend. lol. i'm serious. is only downfall- loving me. but i realized as i was sitting with him in the ER that no one else loves me like that and no one ever will. i didn't realize that in a "well i should settle for him way," i realized it in a "wow, he's perfect and i love him, i've just been too damn afraid to see it.

i'm the luckiest girl in the world.

yesterday we went golfing with eric and lindsay. we just hit some balls at the driving range, but it was wicked fun. it was the first time i'd done it. unfortunatly my superior mini-golf skills didn't translate into being good at driving. i SUCKED!! my mom wants me to go to our country club and practice. i might as well, its fun and free. lol. then today we went with e&l again and played doubles. a few years ago (read: 5) i was quite good at tennis. i still have a good serve, but playing badmitton the past few years had made me a bit rusty. we also had dinner at his g-parents house and then again at his parents. his family seems to like me, which is nice.

also, i've been writing again. i stopped being able to write a few months ago, but last week miles dropped me off at a park and i sat and listened to my ipod and wrote. i got a few good fragments and one full stanza. its just nice to be able to write again.

thats it for now, darlings. i am now off to interrupt miles playing music.

i am SUCH a loser

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 01:54:15 GMT

...ok so i'm going to be 21 next month. (woo). and people keep asking me what i want. and i tell them that i don't know, which is a lie. i know what i want, however it is way too expensive ($1,000). the real reason i am not telling people what i want is because it is reaaally dorky. i mean, i could say "i want ____, but its too expensive, so just get me whatever." its just not a great anecdote because i will look like more of a nerd. what do i want, you may be asking yourself. i want the OED. thats right my friends, the Oxford-English Dictionary. i shopped around and the cheapest price i could find was $950. its 20 volumes, 22,000 words, it is the authority on linguistical matters. and i want it. bad. ohh man am i a dork...

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 02:01:30 GMT

its offical: i am in love with my kitten

she is perfection.

she is so playful and cute and loud! she narrates everything she does, meowing from all corners of the apartment. she sleeps all cuddled up with me and wakes me in the morning by meowing and licking me. she also follows me around. i can't get enough of her!

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 00:25:16 GMT

uhm so remember that part i wrote about today being a boring day? yeah well miles and i went to the ten millionth shelter looking for kittens and we finally found the perfect one! she is all black except for a teeny little white spot on her chest. she is beautiful and so sweet. she is very adventurous, but cuddly and affectionate too. i named her absinthe because of her eyes, they are this really pretty khaki-green colour. i love her!! i'm just gonna eat her up...

yummmmm