stressed out.
i hate money. i really really do.

i am so stressed with work and never having enough to pay all of my bills. i feel like i will live the rest of my life in ever-increasing debt.

and i'm trying to be good. i get up every morning between 4:30-5:15 and head off to work at an office, where i work from 6am-2:30pm, then i run to p's house to see him and maybe grab food and answer work emails. then i leave for my other job at 4:30. and work 4:30-9:30pm. i am so stressed and i just need a minute to myself, to relax and focus, but i don't have my own space.

my car is dying.

i am trying to ignore this fact, but its getting harder and harder to do that.

i am so frustrated, because i would like to share my stress and fear, absolute fear, with someone, but i have no one. i feel uncomfortable burdening my friends with it, and p. could never understand. he just tries to commiserate- like his life is so tough. depression is tough, i understand, i am bipolar, we're in the same boat. but he doesn't have to worry about not having a place to stay or a car or... okay, i'm freaking myself out.

its just... i never realized that i have no one. when my mom kicked me out, i was so scared. and lyn said i could stay with her for a bit, but i knew it would be such an inconvienence. my father let me stay one night and then my stepmother kicked me out a 7:30 am. i have nowhere to go, no one to turn to but myself for the first time in my life. and i swear, i really am trying to get it together, but i just don't have enough hours in the day to make the money that i need.

and he could never understand that. he has the best family in the world and they'd never let him crash. he worries about letting people down and i worry about where i'm going to sleep.

and i love him. i do. its just... he's older than me, but so much... younger? i don't know. less world-weary, perhaps? its not that he's immature, he's amazing, its just he can't relate and it makes me miss miles so much.

miles had that way of making all my problems seem so... solvable. which is such a wonderful quality. he would brainstorm and help and just make me feel so much less worthless.

p. says that i always know what to say to make him feel better, and maybe thats true. i just wish someone could do that for me.